Unmasking: Getting to Know What Feels Like You

This blog will take a practical look at masking in ADHD, autism, and AuDHD. And how to start noticing what’s actually yours.

A lot of people spend years carefully managing how they come across. I call this impression management sometimes. They make sure they look interested, say the right thing, sit still, don’t go quiet for too long, and don’t seem “too much” or “not enough.” After a while it becomes so automatic that they stop noticing they’re even doing it.

Then someone asks a simple question: “Who are you when you’re not performing?” — and the honest answer is often: “I’m not sure anymore.”

That experience has a name. It’s called masking.

What masking actually is

Masking means changing, suppressing, or carefully managing parts of yourself to fit expectations, avoid judgment, reduce conflict, or make social and work situations easier. It is not always conscious. After years of practice it can feel like the only way you know how to be.

People often associate masking only with autism, but adults with ADHD mask too — and when both are present (AuDHD), many people run both sets of strategies at once. In one recent study, more than 91% of adults with ADHD said they regularly hide, suppress, or compensate for their traits just to get through ordinary social and work situations.

How autistic masking often looks

Autistic masking tends to focus on the social and sensory side of life. Common patterns include forcing eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable or distracting, suppressing natural movements or stims, rehearsing or scripting conversations in advance, copying other people’s facial expressions and mannerisms, hiding sensory discomfort, and constantly monitoring whether you are “doing social correctly.”

Many autistic adults have described it to me as feeling like they are performing or translating rather than simply being present. The strange part is how often it works… until it suddenly doesn’t, and the exhaustion shows up hours later when you’re finally alone.

How ADHD masking often looks

ADHD masking more often involves managing attention, energy, and the appearance of competence. It can look like suppressing restlessness or fidgeting, pretending to stay focused when your mind has wandered, over-preparing or over-organizing so no one sees the internal chaos, holding back impulsive comments, over-apologizing, and working much harder or longer than others realize just to look “on top of things.”

Over-apologizing is especially common in the adults I work with. Many say “sorry” for interrupting, for needing something repeated, for being a few minutes late, for taking up space, or for simply existing in a conversation. The apologies often come out automatically, even when nothing was actually wrong. Over time it can leave people feeling smaller and more anxious, as if they are constantly trying to make themselves easier to tolerate.

The goal is usually to avoid being seen as lazy, unreliable, scattered, or “too much.” What’s rarely talked about is that the people who look the most put-together on the outside are often the ones running the heaviest internal systems. I have noticed that high-achieving adults with ADHD frequently become experts at looking fine while their nervous system is working overtime.

When both are happening at once

For many AuDHD adults, the two layers stack. You may be monitoring social performance while also managing executive function and impulse control in real time. That double effort is especially draining. Research on both autistic and ADHD camouflaging links habitual masking with exhaustion, reduced authenticity, identity confusion, anxiety, and depression.

There’s a particular kind of quiet heartbreak I see later in the process: realizing that some of the traits you thought were just “your personality” were actually long-term strategies for staying safe and accepted.

Being the funny one is one of the patterns I notice most often. The humor keeps people comfortable, gives cover when attention drifts or energy spikes, and makes it harder for anyone to call you difficult. A lot of the adults I work with only recognize how much work that role required once they start letting it go. What they usually want is for the humor to stay, but for it to finally feel effortless instead of strategic.

Over-apologizing shows up in a similar way. Many of the people I see say “sorry” almost automatically—for interrupting, for needing something repeated, for being a few minutes late, for taking up space. The apologies are often less about genuine regret and more about trying to stay easy to tolerate. Over time it can leave people feeling smaller and more anxious.

At the same time, some of these strategies also serve useful or protective functions. Not every learned behavior needs to be dropped. The more helpful question is simply: What am I doing, why am I doing it, and do I still want to keep it?

A simple way to start: Notice → Experiment → Choose

Unmasking does not require a dramatic overhaul. Most people do better when they treat it as information-gathering rather than a project with a deadline.

Notice what you do in social or work situations that you’ve started to question. Ask what you naturally want to do instead, and what the real costs and benefits of the current strategy are. Sometimes the most useful clue is how you feel afterward: drained, irritable, overstimulated, or strangely disconnected from yourself.

Then try one small experiment in a low-risk setting. Look away when you need to think. Let a silence sit. Don’t force a smile. Say you need a minute. Allow a natural movement. Skip over-preparing for something that doesn’t require it. Pay attention to what happens in your body and whether you feel more or less like yourself afterward.

From there you choose: keep it, reduce it, or save it for certain people and places. You get to decide.

You don’t have to figure it out alone

Unmasking is not a finish line. It is more like slowly collecting data on what feels true for you. You are allowed to keep some strategies. You are allowed to go at the pace that feels safe. Partial answers and “I’m not sure yet” are completely valid.

In my work, this is usually the point where people start to feel a little more room to breathe. If this resonates, we created a free printable worksheet that walks you through the three steps: noticing a behavior, exploring what feels more like you when you feel safe, and running a small low-stakes experiment.

Ready for the free worksheet? Check out our AuDHD resources page for your free Unmasking worksheet. You can download it, print it, and work through it at your own pace.